Your Fault

Mental illness is so strange. You cant see it, you doubt it is there, no one really seems to believe you, even you don’t know if you are being true.

I cant decide if I am responsible for the way I feel. Obviously my overall attitude towards life will impact how I feel, but is it really as simple as just deciding “now I will be positive”. That seems to be what everyone else implies when I talk to them about how I feel.

“Every adult has anxiety, that’s just part of being an adult.” - this statement truly makes me feel small. The struggles I face are common place, yet counter to everyone else, I cant seem to deal with them in any healthy way.

This gives me hope that there must be a toggle I can flip, that will make everything okay … and I am trying to be as responsible as possible in finding what will toggle this switch.

Time discounts it all though, the longer I take, the more behind I get, behind my peers, behind on life, behind on responsibilities. Amplifying the feelings.

“Being depressed is just a mindset” - something I hear often enough I probably believe it myself. There is no reason why I should feel the way I do, I must be doing something wrong, right?

Surely just feeling bad, when its that manageable, is not a good reason to be a bad participant in society.

And when does support become enabling ? How do I know if the support I receive allows me to live a better life, or if it simply gives me more excuses to “act this way”

All this compiles into a bundle of insecurities I have to deal with, preventing me from enjoying life, performing at work, engaging in relationships, living new experiences.

I simply don’t feel good enough to bother others. Unworthy of their time. Stuck to be forever alone, because I don’t choose to be better…

I hope one day I can develop good enough dialog to express how I feel or at least have a good enough understanding about why I feel the way I do