Thinking

My thoughts can not be put into words. Every week when I must recap the week that has passed, I am unable to recall standard events, let alone any significant events. It seems like I can pre-have a conversation fluently within my head, yet as soon as I have to talk to someone about it, it goes blank, I forget, I no longer know.

This seems like another “everyone has this issue”, yet for what it is, this is affecting me. This leads me to avoid social situations, as my participation kills the flow. What I say is like Sisyphus trying to push his boulder upstream from a waterfall.

My head is a hollow place, un-ironically.

This problem persists to the point where I want to catch the bus, and just void myself of all interactions. It leads to self-hatred and intense willpower struggles to ever try again.

I wish to not be permanent, yet I can no longer even remember why, nor understand what I feel. Like a permanent scratch on my eye, it feels like it is simply always going to be there, it can no longer change. This is my be-all and end-all.

In my head I can withstand so much pain. Proof through me still being here, regardless of how bad my head becomes. Yet, in reality I am lost, unable to voice myself, unable to convey the ideas that reside within my head, unable to be social and to make others feel comfortable in my sole presence.

I am sad