Sitting

We live with no observer but ourselves. This is not a sitcom where a character from a show goes through a tough time but can be comforted by the fact that there sits an observer sympathizing with them. Witnessing them.

We sit alone. With our own thoughts. Alone.

I badly want to document my life, for it to mean something. Probably to understand myself, and possibly for others to understand me. Dont I just look for the place to put blame? am I looking for an out. That one thing that allows me to be the mess that I am today.

It’ll always be others, it’ll never be me.

Who am I to drag others down with me. To abuse and use them such that I can feel better. am I not used to this feeling of lowlyness already? can I not cope with it on my own. Is removing it worth the cost of others picking it up.

There comes a point where I need to be okay. and frankly I feel it unjust to keep placing others in a position of anticipation for that day. It is about time that I just be okay. The thoughts, the feelings, the lack of … , those are now mine, and mine alone.

This is a toxic mindset, and if more people shared how they felt, I would know I am not alone in this. Yet, it seems like we all just need to “fake it” …

Can you ever truly be honest about your emotions to someone, would you even be capable of properly explaining them to someone.

If I could turn on a switch and be the one everyone wants me to be, and most importantly the person everyone needs me to be, I would. At the cost of any part of myself.

Yet, as old as I am now, I live knowing I could have been that person. I had opportunity to be that person. I say “at any cost I will”, yet I am proof that I wont … because I didnt.

Its time for me to be okay, at the very least I should carry that within me without burdening others.