What is good?

How does one determine if they deserve their life, or not. Each day that passes by, I feel more and more like I am stealing kindness from those around me. Getting granted grace from those too unwilling to set-me-straight. My life feels like a lie, one I can never un-tell. Things keep happening, with no idea as to if it is deserved or not.

I, myself, can not possibly deserve good. Only the bad. This was my mindset, and probably still is. The only difference is recently I have learned that I understand a little more why. Why do I punish myself like this. There in lays the truth, “I punish myself”.

To be in control. If pain is to be, then it will be on my terms. Decided by me.