A Lot on My Mind

There is so much on my mind. More than I know how to handle. More than I understand. Recently it hasn’t been loud, yet now, every day, it gets louder. Am I returning to who I was, do I long to be the forgotten me. What drives me towards being that person. What makes me want to hate my life.

How can someone as priviledged as me, feel this way. The feelings are so mixed, making me just want to leave them all behind. To feel nothing. Yet I fight to understand them and I dont know why. Do they ever go away. Sometimes, but never for long. What keeps them at bay. One day is fine and then several days after are far from it.

Where do the burst of life come from, why cant they stay … is my company not good enough for these feelings to remain.

I spend time looking at myself from the past, and I am proud of how much I have changed. So why is it not enough, how much further do I need to go, am I walking or running, which should I do. So much distance yet it catches up in an instance.

At this point its not only tiring for me, but for everyone involved. Why dont I just get better, how much longer are you going to be like this, why are you always so down, just brighten up, stop overthinking ….

My soul is divided like a horcrux, like I dont poses all of it within me, I am split apart, and I dont know where to look for the rest of me.

I am just left with the pain of feeling … empty …